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Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)

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My time with my daughter is the most precious thing I have in the whole world.

I made the very right decision to divorce her mother almost exactly three years ago – June 1st, 2013.  The time since has been extremely amicable and we actually get along better now than we did in the time leading up to the divorce, largely because we both remain focused on doing whatever is best for our little girl.

Those strangers who enter into your lives while you go through the process of divorce – lawyers, clerks, bankers – have all commented on our particular divorce in a favourable way.  Even our mechanic, who we both continue to use, can’t help but comment whenever he sees me how happy he is that we both seem to have found happiness apart from each other and actually tells me how he tells other people about us and our story and how a divorce can actually work out.  It’s all very humbling to hear and it makes me feel good that our efforts are noticed; while we may sometimes find frustration, we are quick to regroup and get back on track and provide the best example for our daughter that we can.

Our custody schedule is a 2-3-2 schedule, meaning that’s how many nights we have her in a row before the other has her, and it has been working well.  It means that each week I have her for different nights in the week, allowing for alternating weekends and for us both to participate and bring her to swimming lessons or gymnastics classes on alternating weeks.

In my line of work I travel a lot and so the 2-3-2 has been out of whack in recent weeks, with me either being out of town for slightly longer stretches or being in town and having my daughter for slightly longer stretches.  As any parent can attest, especially a single parent… man, sometimes we just need a break.  As much as we love spending time with our kids, putting them down early one night can just be a god-send.  I’m lucky in that I have breaks like this built into my custody schedule and, as much as I miss her when I don’t have her, it is nice to have that adult time to regroup and get some sanity back before another stretch of being the single parent.  It’s been a balancing act the last three years but one I think I’ve come to have a solid amount of control over.

There is a lot of pressure on both parent and child when you only see you child half the time.  The parent wants to make sure that their time with their child is perfect.  This doesn’t mean showering with gifts or letting them have their own way – believe me, there are fairly strict rules and consequences in my house – but you work hard to try and build your own consistency in the half of their life that you have control over.  This is how meals go… chores and expectations are this… this is the reward for that and that is the punishment for this… a consistency meant to help ensure that we don’t waste any of the time we have together squabbling or having to deal with the shitty part of being a parent – the tantrum.

And for the most part we do okay.

And then there are nights like tonight.

This weekend I had a fantastic weekend with my daughter – we did crafts yesterday morning, had a friend’s birthday party yesterday, she went for a bike ride to the playground last night, this afternoon we had a brilliant and sunny walk through a local street festival filled with lots of treats followed by a two hour nap followed by another party at a friend’s house.  A busy weekend and when we both got home today we were tired and when given the choice of more crafts or some TV, I allowed for some screen time – something she is not allowed Monday to Thursday and is reserved as a weekend treat.

Well when it was time to shut the TV off we hit MELTDOWN city.  Full on stomping, crossed arms, FUMING mad and then when the STERN voice came out, full on tears, non-stop, for close to half an hour.

I am big on apologies and I don’t rush them, but they need to happen and tonight that took a while.  And when it finally came we were able to move forward with the calming down process in the evening.

During the meltdown I made a simple threat of punishment that I didn’t realize would have the impact that it did.  In frustration I told her she was going to go straight to bed, no lullabies.

That set her off even more.

My daughter is going to be six in just a couple of months and while tonight it led to tears, I’m happy at how important the consistency of our routine and the sanctity that is our time together, at the end of each day when I sing anywhere from one to five lullabies (depending on how good her negotiating skills are in the moment), is to her.

After she apologized – the most sincere and heartfelt thing you’ve ever seen – I caved and we snuggled and I sang her the lullabye I’ve been singing to her since she was a newborn, rocking her to sleep in the crook of my arm.  It’s one of her favourites and it’s one that I wrote for her… it’s a simple, haunting tune that can be repeated for as long as it takes her to fall asleep.

The music notes to the lullabye will be tattooed on me at some point; I’ve finally decided on something important enough that I would have on me for the rest of my life, and after an evening full of tears and grief, that simple lullabye centred us both, relaxed us both and it let her drift off into a happy sleep where she knows she is loved and cared for.

* * * * *

As evidence by the extremely long lead-in to this post, I’m still working through how to do this parent thing part-time, and sometimes these moments hit me harder than others.

My time with my daughter is the most precious thing I have in the whole world and I want her time with me to be remembered as happy times filled with music, laughter and love.

Our bedtimes are important to me and sometimes, if she’s willing to play along, I record these Bedtime Interviews that I share on my Facebook.  Here’s one from last December to sort of show what the last minutes of our days are like…

When we are not interviewing, we read stories and we sing lullabies and one of the lullabies that I have butchered in the past with my daughter is “Goodnight My Angel” by Billy Joel.  It’s a beautiful song that I have only half-remembered the lyrics to and have tried to sing to my daughter on occasion.  As one of the goals of this website is to help me discover new things about the music that has made up my life until now, I thought I’d do a bit of research around the song.

There isn’t much to tell that I didn’t already know; this is a song that Billy Joel wrote for his young daughter and was originally intended to be a prelude to the title track on “River Of Dreams“, his final album, but revisiting the lyrics of this song tonight has resonated with me more deeply than upon any other listening.

Have a listen to this hauntingly beautiful tune…

One thing I didn’t know was that this song was turned a book.  I’ll be picking this up soon…

I’m going to learn these lyrics properly and work them into our bedtime lullabies often enough so that we get to the point where she can whisper along to my singing.

I want my daughter to know that, no matter what happens to her in life, her daddy will always be there at the end of the day and if he’s not physically there, he will always be in her heart.

I want my daughter to know that, above anything else in this world, I am working SO hard to give her the most magical life I can.

My time with my daughter is the most precious thing I have in the whole world and I want her to finish more of her days thinking these thoughts and dreaming happy dreams knowing how important she is to me and how much she is loved.

Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you’ve been asking me
I think you know what I’ve been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
Then you should always know
Wherever you may go, no matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight my angel, now it’s time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I’m rocking you to sleep
The water’s dark and deep, inside this ancient heart
You’ll always be a part of me

Goodnight my angel, now it’s time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry, and if you sing this lullaby
Then in your heart there will always be a part of me
Someday we’ll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on
They never die
That’s how you and I will be

Lowest Of The Low – Lee’s Palace – March 25th

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In a music blog where I have set out to write about the music that has shaped my life, it comes as no surprise to those who know me that one of my earliest posts is about the Lowest Of The Low.  I listened to Shakespeare My Butt (taped, of course, off a friend’s CD) more than any other album.  When they did the launch for Hallucigenia at the HMV on Yonge street just north of Dundas, I was there.  When they broke up later that same year (’94) my open letter to the band was published in Eye Magazine and went as viral amongst my friend group as things could pre-Internet.

In 1996 when the Secret Of My Excess came out from Ron Hawkins, I was first in line to get the tape, hoping it was the start of a Low resurgence.  It wasn’t, but when they finally came back and started playing shows again, even without Stephen Stanley, I made an effort to catch at least one night of every outing.

Yep, I’m a fan.

The lyrics, the songwriting, the rock star persona that would just as soon punch you in the face as give you a hug… there are a lot of topics to cover here.

Let’s start with Friday night at Lee’s Palace.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was already giddy.  Moving to the Annex earlier this month (complete with my newly installed keg fridge at the new apartment) having a holiday Friday night concert by the Low just steps from my front door is the pre-eminent picture of cosmic serendipity.  No matter how the show was going to go, I was in a very good head space to make sure the night was going to be an enjoyable one.

The set list was strong – better than the one they played at the ‘Shoe back in December for a few reasons.  Back in December they had just launched “The Kids Are All Wrong” and “In The Blink Of An Eye” earlier that week and, while most of the crowd had a chance to listen to the new tracks, they hadn’t hit home yet and probably didn’t rock as hard at that show as they could have.

Not only did The Kids Are All Wrong absolutely fly on Friday night, but the Low played a few tunes off of Hawkins’ brand new album, Spit Sputter and Sparkle, that was released ON Friday and, in contrast to the November show, the songs hit home on the very first play.

“Sliver” is a medium-paced piece with a catchy chorus and, while still a harder tune, it’s played just soft enough to really catch Hawkins’ lyrics and plenty of opportunity for background harmonies and some good jangle.  But it was “Beautiful Girl” that had me at note one…

“Asleep in the crook of my arm, my beautiful girl…”

This song is the song I wish I had of written for my daughter.  An instant Hawkins classic, this is a very good song.

And I’m focusing on the new here first because, better than any time I’ve seen them before, they mixed the new and the old seamlessly and had plenty of old favourites for everyone in the room to sing along to.

Here’s a quick clip from my vantage point at the show featuring the beginnings of “For The Hand Of Magdalena” – the song that I’d guess wouldn’t make most people’s top ten lists but is arguably one of the most fun songs to sing along to when played live – and “City Full Of Cowards”, which features the best opening bars of any Low song.

 

 

Just like at the ‘Shoe back in December, the Low pulled some old tricks out of their hat.  Their cannon of potential crowd favourites is huge so for every win, there’s lots of room for disappointment as well that they didn’t play that song, which is really the only bad thing you can say about a Low show.

The top five wins and wishes for the show last Friday:

Wins
– The opening of “Gamble” snuck up on the crowd… those who were really listening picked up on it early, but a great intro to a great song.
– The call and response to “Salesmen, Cheats and Liars” – made all the morning charming when Hawkins’ effed it up himself and led us astray.
– If I were to write a set list it would include coming out for an encore and leading with “Subversives”.  It’s the perfect Encore starter.
– Closing once again with “Rosy and Grey” – you can’t go wrong with the song that everyone knows and loves to sing along to, especially the dirty bits
– Again, “Beautiful Girl” stunned.  In a good way.

Wishes
– I saw the Low play at the ‘Shoe a number of years ago and they played a version of “Beer Graffiti Walls” during an encore that just killed and was everything you want a Low show to be… would have loved to hear that again.
– While it felt awesome at the ‘Shoe being one of two people in the whole crowd to cheer and sing along to “Bit”, was hoping they’d dig into some other B-Side stuff this time around.  “Bit” is a great tune, but was secretly hoping for “Crying Like A Postcard” off the same EP.
– “Dogs of February” – one of my favourite Low songs that rarely gets played live – would love to see this on a future set list.
– Ditto for “The Taming Of Carolyn”
– The last wish of the evening?  That it didn’t have to end… not that the band would have kept playing until their fingers bled, but having some place for the family of fans to go after the show where we could continue to play the CDs, pull out some guitars, and drink ourselves stupid even further into the blackness of the night.

Further Listening – More Songs From Lee’s Palace – March 25th

These people had more phone battery than I did and also the patience to watch the show through a lens whereas I just wanted a couple of clips to remember the night by, preferring to catch the whole thing live.  Still, great to see a few of these in their entirety and I think the back of my head makes an appearance in one of them.

LOTL City Full Of Cowards

The full version of “City Full Of Cowards” – one of my favourites to sing along to and play myself.

LOTL Rosy and Grey

The full encore of “Rosy and Grey” with everyone at the sing-along best.

LOTL Subversives

“Subversives” – the perfect way to start an encore.  Just listen to that crowd…

The Struts – Adelaide Hall – 11/27/15

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Reasons why The Struts are just so goddamn good:

1.  Lead Singer Luke Spiller is made of charisma.  I love how Jeff Oloizia describes him as being the rock and roll version of “Dress for the job you want” in this interview in the Times from a few weeks ago. Wearing mostly women’s clothes, a lot of makeup and the attitude to pull it all off, Spiller brings to the stage a Glam Rock sense of rock royalty that earns all of the comparisons he is getting to Freddie Mercury or Mick Jagger. I don’t repeat those comparisons lightly here either; I saw it first-hand last November in their first visit to Toronto.

At this show he was sick.  Grossly, phlegmy, hacking-cough sick.  And he still owned the stage and the entire room.  In the clip below Spiller wandered into the crowd, getting half the room to sit down on the bar floor with just a wave of his hand.  He then led both halves of the room in a call and response battle that had every person in the room wanting to win, not for themselves, but for him.

2.  The name.  So rarely does a name just fit the band so perfectly that you cannot believe the band is as young as they are. How could they only have formed in 2010?  How could these guys just be in their mid-20’s?  Hasn’t there always been a band called The Struts?  Haven’t they been, quite literally, strutting on stages for decades?  And the font on their album cover… that’s just always been a thing, right?

The Struts band logo

When you can combine contemporary and timeless into your identity you’re bound for big things.  Discovering The Struts’ excellently titled Have You Heard as I did last summer felt like stumbling on an old album in my dad’s basement that no-one I knew had heard before.

3.  The music – it’s for real.  I have never pretended (nor will ever claim) that this little site of mine is home to opinions that should ever sway the masses.  I like what I like and I have a lot of very good, relevant, smart and influential musical pockets to explore as I grow this site.  That being said I will just as easily write an essay on the decline, and subsequent resurrection, of the TV Sitcom theme.

So with that being said, reading reviews about The Struts like this one at Sonic Abuse by Andy Sweeny just plain annoys me. His analysis of the music may have merit as he seems very well-educated around the influences and songwriters involved (half the word count is name-dropping and reference-making which puts the emphasis more on the author’s “expertise” than a review of the actual album), but the whole tone just reeks of that elitist, self-proclaimed indie-guru nonsense that drives me bonkers.  Not liking something because it has the potential for mass appeal is just so cool these days, isn’t it?

The music is for real and anyone who has seen The Struts live will attest to that.  They are unlike any band I have seen and their potential is enormous.  I feel lucky to have caught them in a club with 150 people as the next time they come around I feel like they could demand a much larger audience.  Or, dare I dream, they fall in love with Toronto and echo The Stones circa 1977?

You’ve no doubt heard the lead single Could Have Been Me… it’s easy to sing along to with fun, clear vocal stylings by Spiller and an anthemic chorus that spreads the simple message of living life with no regrets.

I like a band that has fun in their videos, and that you can tell they are having fun in their videos.  Put Your Money On Me is not only just another catchy tune on the album with some awesome harmonies and natural call and response built-in, but it’s also a fantastic one-take video full of all the fun randomness that should inspire themed costume parties for die-hard fans years from now.  Add to that the strangely mesmerizing frame rate it was shot in and this actually takes the cake for my favourite Struts video currently.

Now, it would almost make too much sense to put Kiss This as the last focus video in this post… after all, it is currently being played constantly on the radio, but I’ve stuck it down in Further Listening because my true favourite Struts song is Where Did She Go and I want to give it a little love here.

At the show at Adelaide Hall, this was their closing number… Spiller had given his all… sweaty, coughing, fifth wardrobe change of the night… he even called up a fan to help him sing a song earlier in the night which was a bit of magic to watch… this nervous Japanese girl singing shyly until she found her comfort level and then virtually grabbed the microphone out of his hands…

It’s the end of a long show – much longer than the modest number of tracks the band has in their repertoire should dictate – and they strike up Where Did She Go as they introduce the band.  It has an amazing call and response vibe to it and they just kept going with it, and we just kept singing it… no-one in that room wanted the show to end.  That moment has time stamped this song for me and I will always associate it with being in my happy place, belting out a great tune with a rowdy bunch of concert-goers and everyone in the room just giving in and having fun.

There are lots and lots and lots of concert videos showcasing exactly this… in fact, discovering and watching each of those videos just now (along with a few others) almost takes away from the happyplace moment I felt, that moment that we were there, with them, in a small club in Toronto, and we were a part of something special.  Almost.  It’s such a rock solid way to end a show that I cannot fault them for repeating the audience instructions, the call and response, the quiet down and the amp back up.  It was just perfect and the best shot example of just such a video is below.

The acoustic version of the song is excellent as well and just shows that you don’t need the glam, the lights and the make-up when you have great riffs, easy lyrics, a sense of fun and a willingness to both own the mic and share it.

And that’s the last reason why The Struts are so goddamn good.  Make no mistake about it, they are the ones in charge during a show, but they are able to make you feel as though you – and that inner glam-rock superstar you didn’t even know you had – are right up there with them.

Further Reading

Still want to read more?  This is a great interview with the band from Atwood Magazine (who also, incidentally, gave “Have You Heard” a perfect 10/10 while showcasing how to name drop a musical influence and reference in an album review without coming off sounding like a total douche).

Further Listening – More Tracks From The Struts

The Struts - Kiss This

Kiss This – the follow-up single to Could Have Been Me and guaranteed to still be in your head in the morning if it’s the last song you listen to before going to sleep at night.

The Struts Rebel Rebel

Rebel Rebel – quite possibly the perfect cover for Spiller to take on and again embracing the crowd, walking amongst them and making everyone feel just as much a part of the show as he is.

 

 

The stars look very different today…

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Today we remembered an icon.

I was driving to work this morning when the news came on the radio.  Through the day I checked in on social media and it was all over my newsfeed… tweets, hashtags and unspoken competitions as to who could find the most obscure picture, video or reference of a man whose other-worldly physicality carried a career that spanned over 50 years.

I knew I was going to write tonight and it’s a funny thing, starting a music blog two days before David Bowie dies… it’s like starting to date someone a week before Valentine’s Day… you think you can ease into it and then, boom, you’re in it.  Full on.

And wait, am I making this loss of an amazingly talented man all about me?  I am, and that’s exactly my point tonight.  We all are.  And it’s okay.

Not all celebrity deaths are created equally… as callous as it is to say that, it’s true, and we all know it. Schnieder from One Day At A Time passed away last week and the over-35 Internetters gave a collective chuckle of fond rememberance before scrolling to the next news story without even clicking.

But when someone like Bowie dies, we stop.  We remember.  We personalize that loss and we take a minute, or longer, to establish and share our own connections with those who we have lost.  They have meant something to us and all we want to do is share that with each other.

Today I remembered his stint on Extras and listened to my favourite Bowie song – Ziggy Stardsut (acoustic) – at least a half dozen times.  I thought about this post, what I would write, how I could subtly work in the fact that the street I grew up on was called Bowie Ave.

And then I started to read more about the album he released just days ago.

And then I watched the videos.

And for a man who has had almost as many characters as he has albums, I find it extremely compelling that one of his most shocking, most achingly charismatic portrayals should be his last; a character who foreshadows the fate of the actor.  Lazarus is beautiful and I won’t be the first to write it today, nor the last to say it, but in Lazarus, and in the backstory leading up to the album’s release, David Bowie has shocked us one last time and achieved something as close to immortality as any artist can hope for.

Watch the video below if you haven’t seen it already.  I’m willing to bet that the actual number of people who have seen this is exactly half the number of YouTube of views.  I know I’ve watched it twice today already myself.

Today we remembered an icon.  An amazing oddity of an artist who never stopped showing us that life and art do not need to be separated; they can live, and die, together as one.

Further Listening – “The Terror Of Knowing” – My tribute playlist over at 8tracks

tape the night

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I bought my five-year-old a tablet this past Christmas or, rather, Santa bought it for her.  Or made it.  Or had his elven slave labour force make it.  Whatever you choose to believe in… I’m not here to judge you…

Point being, because this was a gift from Santa, it was unwrapped under the tree in all of its rubberized, toddler-proofed, hot pink glory.  Her eyes grew wide upon seeing it – “for me???” – and as I sat there watching her hold it, just holding it, not believing it was actually hers, I had one of those sepia-toned memories I get all too often push itself to the forefront of my brain…

I’m nine and I’m rushing downstairs on Christmas morning to see what Santa had brought us.  It is our first Christmas in this new house and my first Christmas where I have taken up the belief that Santa does not exist, but still keeping up the pretense for the benefit of my younger sister.

Santa always wrapped presents in our house.  He always had his own special paper that was different from every other paper under the tree.  His presents were always the best wrapped as well, with wrapping that resembled my father’s style…

So when I see it there, front and centre, unwrapped save for a bow on the top (my mother loved bows, often using them to cover for her own poor wrapping job) I am taken aback.  It’s just… there.  Sitting out.  No tag, no note, no wrapping.

The Barbie camper van sitting next to it, also unwrapped (save for that bow), is clearly not meant for me, so by process of elimination, I am looking at my gift from Santa.

A Sony CFS-W301 Stereo with AM/FM Radio, dual cassette recording and the most advanced technology I had ever seen in all my nine Christmases:  Hi-Speed Dubbing.

Dual Cassette

I run to it.  If I’m being honest and not giving a damn about highlighting my masculinity, I probably squeal a little.  I hold it.  I can’t believe it is mine.

My parents shuffle into the basement and…

… a tear came to my eye as I looked at her and saw how happy she was holding her gift from Santa, her very own tablet. Her eyes were small when she finally looked up at me, pushed closed by her cheeks and the size of her grin.

The holidays have now come and gone but that brief flashback to my own Christmas morning magical moment has stuck with me for the past few weeks.  To this day – and not including any saccharine, sentimental schmap such as the birth of my child or my good health – that dual cassette recorder, with Hi-Speed Dubbing, just may be the best gift I’ve ever been given in my entire life.

I spent hours with it.  Making mix tapes.  Making copies of those mix tapes for friends and family.  In Hi-Speed. Recording songs off the radio and adding them to my mix tapes.

I had owned stereos and cassette recorders before and had made mix tapes from songs taped off the radio prior to this, but this machine brought my tape mixing to a whole new level.  When you are dealing with a single cassette, you have to be perfect in your attempts at taping the radio.  The margin for error is very slim.  How many mix-tapes in the eighties had songs that ended with the DJ coming on, or a commercial for a car dealership or, worse, cut too short, the result of an itchy finger jumping the gun on the stop button trying to anticipate the end of the song.

The beauty of the dual cassette recorder is that you can have the one cassette just continue taping from the radio without needing to worry about when to stop it.  You then had a copy of the whole broadcast to edit as you needed over to a second cassette, making your song endings and transitions on your tapes that much smoother.

I remember getting out of bed – long after I was supposed to be asleep, while my parents were downstairs watching TV – and setting my stereo up on my desk.

I’d get the volume to just that right level – that perfect mix of loud enough to record but not too loud to alert my parents to what I was doing – and I would quietly sort through my stack of cassettes looking for a blank one to pop in.

After hitting the REC button on the stereo I’d scramble back into bed, putting my pillow at the foot of the bed so I could hear the radio better.

My eyes would close and I would lay there, falling asleep as my Sony CFS-W301 dual cassette recorder with Hi-Speed Dubbing would simply work its magic and quietly, perfectly, tape the night.